Looming Deadline.

Me and running are going through a rough patch right now…
Our relationship is weird like that, and I guess it’s mostly my fault..

I’ll just randomly fall out of love with running; and when I decide to fall back in love with running, it decides not to love me back. It rejects me and makes me work twice, sometimes three times as hard to make my way back into its loving arms.

And the cycle will continue, over and over and over again.

Right now, I’m starting to fall out of love, quickly, with running.

I’m trying to figure out why this happens with me.

And then, last night, it hit me:
For whatever reason, I hold running in such a different regard than anything else.
Let me explain:
I make a to-do list every day, actually, I make 2: one in my planner and one on the dry-erase board in my kitchen. I don’t know what to do with myself without a to-do list, it’s quite sad.
Anyway, on a typical day, this is what my list will look like:
-Run/workout/lift/etc
-Class
-Class
-Lunch
-Meeting
-Homework, homework, homework
-Clean & do dishes
-Bed before 10pm

Everything on that list usually gets done. But sometimes, it doesn’t. Sometimes I don’t go to class. Sometimes I don’t wash dishes. Sometime I don’t do my homework three nights before it’s due. And sometimes I don’t run or workout or lift.

When I miss class, I don’t even think about it.
When I don’t wash my dishes, yeah it’s annoying because I run out of spoons to eat with or bowls to eat out of, but I don’t feel like shit about the pile of pots and pans in my sink.
When I push my homework back and wait til the last minute, I do so gladly and don’t even give it a second thought to watch an extra TV show or go to bed really early instead of sit in front of a stupid text book for hours.

But when I skip my run…

I feel like absolute crap. I feel guilty and lazy. I start to rigorously plan a way to “make up” for my lack of a workout the next day.
In the past, I have found that once I sign up for a race, my love for training and running is rekindled.
A few weeks ago, I signed up for a 10k on November 6.
This is the first time I’m admitting this to anyone, but I am dreading it.
Why? I have no idea.
I have absolutely no freakin’ idea.

I think I’m just too hard on myself when I train, so I take all of the fun out of it.
There are days when I have “5 miles” written down in my planner and on the board in my kitchen; when I get out to run, I’m just not feeling the run and I stop around mile 3, for whatever reason. Lately, my legs have been tight and sore and feeling really heavy.

When I run 6 miles, like I did yesterday, I don’t celebrate or pat myself on the back- because it’s what I was supposed to do, and damn straight, I did it, and there is no need to celebrate.
At least that’s how I think.

I’m frustrated with my mental state when it comes to running as of lately. I’ll have really good runs, feel great and rejuvenated and feel like I am back in the swing of things and can’t wait to run again. Then, I’ll have a shitty run, feel depressed and dread my next run. I can never tell when which type of run is going to happen, which is also really frustrating.

If I didn’t have this damn race in about a week, I would take a break from running until my legs were itching to run again. I feel like I HAVE to run and train for this, which is probably part of the problem.

I was all gung-ho for signing up for the Half in April, but as of right now, I’m not too sure. I’d rather just ride out whatever this is, let my body and mind refresh itself, and then decide when I want to run again whenever my body wants to run again. Maybe all I need is a good break and I’ll be ready to train for the Half once I get a few, good weeks off.

I think I just need a break from training for a specific event in general. Maybe it’s not the actual running that I’m sick of, but a looming deadline….

Time will tell.

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