venting.

Warning: Overly dramatic bitching, complaining, whining, etc is all that this post is composed of. Stop reading now if you don’t want to become depressed, annoyed, or simply do not care. I don’t blame you.

196 days, give or take, until graduation.
Disregard the fact that I always miss what I once had, but am never happy where I am, I know that I’m going to miss Champaign once I leave it.
However, for the time being, 196 days cannot pass any faster.

Senior year has made me feel like a complete moron.
For the record, I am not a complete moron.
I am just sick and tired of having to learn  memorize stupid equations, stupid laws (screw you Newton, seriously), stupid theories, stupid definitions, and stupid concepts that I will never, ever use again. Yet, somehow, it is all that defines me now.

As a student, all that really defines you are your grades. Once I leave this place, all I have to show for the four years of work (aka bullshit) that I’ve done are reflected by sheets of paper (transcripts, diploma). No one is going to sit and listen to how hard I worked. No one is going to sit and listen to all of the things  I had to juggle around; to all of the workouts I skipped to study or go to class; etc. None of it matters. All that matters are the grades I can somehow muster up and whatever letter A-F and whatever number 0.0-4.0 I can manage to put on those sheets of paper. Flammable, useless paper. Keep in mind: we all our wipe our asses with paper. See what I mean? Useless paper.

And that’s all I’m working for right now.
196 days left  learning about things I don’t care about. Wasting space in my brain that I might never, ever be able to get back.
Even worse, the TIME! The time I’m never going to get back. The time I’m wasting sitting in class learning about NEWTON’S LAWS!!!!!! I DON’T CARE ABOUT NEWTON OR HIS DAMN LAWS!
What might even be worse is the money. Oh, the money! The debt that I am racking up, and that I’m going to work for, just to give back to this place that is sucking the life out of me. SUCKING. THE .LIFE. OUT. OF. ME!

Sure, maybe I could adopt the “be happy while I’m here and make the best of it, especially if I’m going to lose all of my money, waste all of my time and waste all of my brain space”, but I can’t. I cannot, as hard as I try, make myself become absolutely thrilled to be here.

And then I think of Arizona, and how I already tried to leave. That’s how much I have never wanted to be here. I tried to transfer out, and perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve ever done was come back here. Actually, that is so false, because I have definitely done dumber things than that, but I am not about to air out my dirty laundry. I digress….

I can’t decide if it’s the concept of school that I am over, or if I’m over Champaign and this school, or what my problem is. 

I often find myself day dreaming of mountains, and people who want to climb them with me.
Like in Flagstaff, where what we did on the weekends revolved around climbing on mountains, hiking, the Grand Canyon, etc.
At U of I? Drinking. and all of the stupid decisions that commence after drinking.
Me? Over it.

It’s probably just bad associations. Which are probably all my fault.
I associate the University of Illinois with drunken sluts. (which is actually pretty accurate.) However, of course, there are other things that comprise this place. Read: stupid, useless Biomechanics courses that make me feel like a complete, uneducated, useless idiot, and depress the shit out of me. Of course, there are other things, but I’m in a depressing, spoiled-rotten, unreasonable mood, so there.

I will, undoubtedly, think of something that I miss about this place once I’m away from it.
I never want what I have when I have it.
I only want what I once had, but when I had it, I couldn’t wait for it to be gone or for it to be over with.
That is absolutely awful, I know, I’m working on it.
Actually, false, when I was in Australia, I never wanted to go home.
And up until the NAU staff screwed me over, I didn’t want to leave there either.
Solution: move to Flagstaff or Australia.
Just kidding.
Sort of.

I am just extremely sick and tired of my intelligence being measured by things that I do not care about.
This entire semester  so far has been a waste of my time, academically.
I am ready to move on with my life, and have my real intelligence and passion be put to good use.

Now that  I think about it, this entire post was prompted by the fact that I have been studying Biomechanics all night and still do not understand what is going on. I have an exam on Monday, and then again on Wednesday, and I kind of want to cry now, then show up for the exam with a lighter and gasoline and blow my exam up.

Do you hear that, Sir Isaac Newton? I don’t give a shit about your laws.
 

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