I’m overwhelmed and stressed so you’re better off just not reading this post. Seriously.

This post is going to be a regurgitation and the random thoughts that I have been neglecting to write down over the past few days. Chances are it won’t make any sense and it will be long and lengthy. Feel free to stop reading now =) If you’re so bored that you continue to read, I apologize in advance for the insanity and emotional roller coaster you’re about to torture yourself reading about.

**Also, I’m in a terrible mood today- for absolutely no reason at all. So a heads up in advance for any sort of melancholy   absolutely bitchy, downright irrationally dramatic things I may say. 

Thoughts on running:
I had a 6 mile run planned out a few days ago. I decided not to time it, as I was going for distance and not any sort of time. At the 6 mile mark, there was a train stopped on the tracks which forced me to retrace the final two miles back to my house, so I ended up running 8 miles. In an effort not to be late to work that day, I skipped out on my stretching and foam rolling. DISASTER. My anterior tibialis is SO TIGHT. My IT bands are stretched thin like a rubber band about to snap. My calves are in knots. No amount of stretching or foam rolling is releasing any of this tension. BAD. I tried to run again yesterday- it was on the treadmill (gag) and the dogs were going CRAZY. The pain of shin splints started to creep up on me. My achilles tendon felt like it was going to snap and coil up into a ball halfway up my leg. I stopped the treadmill after one, measly, useless mile. FINE. It is all my fault. Stretching and foam rolling has never been more important to me. I hate myself for not allowing myself the time to ease my muscles down from 8 miles. I should probably run today, just to get myself out of this funk, but I’m so irritated by everything that even the thought of listening to the music on my ipod is making my skin crawl. Run without the music? The thought of the sound of my breathing is even more nauseating. Awesome. But I know that I do need to warm my legs up, even with just a short 2 or 3 mile run, just so that I can properly stretch, foam roll, and ice everything out. In good time, I suppose. I’ve been focusing so much on just getting my runs in that I have been neglecting other areas of my fitness. I haven’t done a single core exercise or squat or pushup in 2 weeks. I seriously feel so guilty for that.

Thoughts on being an undergraduate:
I love learning. For those of you who mistake my hatred of Champaign, Illinois as a lack of love for learning, you are sadly mistaken and you don’t know me at all. I will never be sad to move away from Champaign, holding the most expensive piece of paper that is my diploma. What I might miss about Champaign? The gym. That’s about it. What I am sad about? The learning is over. The world is weird. School systems are weird. Conventionally, it’s just over. I know, I KNOW. I could continue going to school if I wanted to. But that is not logical in any sense. But why can’t it be? Why can’t we all just keep learning? I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING. I want to learn about the brain, and psychology, and pathologies of the eye, and the ear. I want to learn how to design buildings. How to give the heimlich maneuver to a dog (seriously, that would be so useful.) I want to learn about outer space. I want to be in a creative writing class. I want to read every single book there is. I want to take a course on the Bible as Literature course because I WOULD BE SO GOOD AT IT. I want to learn about evolution, because it fascinates me. The evolution of  absolutely everything-because it is SO fascinating. I want to learn how to speak different languages and learn about different cultures. I want to take another photography course and put a dark room back into my house. I want to write books. I want to travel to every single country, submerge myself in their culture and experience everything. I want to take a picture of every single nook and cranny of the world. And then write about it. I want to learn about every single religion, every single one. I want to hear everyone’s point of view about everything: love, sex, family, god, God, food, exercise, Christmas, children, drugs, alcohol, education. Everything. There is so much to learn. So much you can go out into the world looking for, find it, and then bring it back into your circle of familiar things, and enhance it. I haven’t even seen a quarter of the world and what is has to offer, so how can I make any sort of decisions about anything if I only know what I know? There is so much to know, but we’re stuck focusing on what we know, which is so small and tunnel-visioned. We can’t place judgement until we know everything. Does that make any sense? It does to me. Go with it.

Being an undergraduate is hard fucking work. For me it was, at least. I worked my ass off and have nothing to show for it. I got my major ripped out from underneath me and then had it shoved in my face. With my major, my motivation and any reason to be in Champaign joined it in the shitter. Being miserable while trying to work hard (work multiple jobs & school work) and trying to maintain some sort of glimmer of sanity is EXHAUSTING. I love my major. LOVE it. In some senses, I am glad that I didn’t become an athletic trainer, as a career- but I wish I could have had the option to take those classes and LEARN about it.

After breaking away from a toxic group of people, I stopped partying as much. Which is GOOD. I had more time to focus on things that matter. I also did nothing but work. My undergraduate experience has been nothing but a showcase of my work ethic. Toot my own horn, right? TOOTFUCKINGTOOT. Because seriously, that’s most of what I ever did. I’m upset because I have nothing to show for it. I do not have an outstanding GPA. I’m not on any sort of special list or honor roll. I’m not going to get some sparkly sash or ribbon or whatever shit they give the smart kids on graduation. I’m just another graduate from UIUC amongst the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS THAT HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED. Woopie. But I worked so.fucking.hard. I paid my own bills, my own rent. Last year, I worked about 20 hours during the work week, had 18 hours of class, and went home every Thursday  to work, to come back to school every Sunday and start it all over again. This year, I have 3 jobs, work a little less than 20 hours a week, have 21 credit hours, and still go home every Thursday, to work, to come back every Sunday and do it all over again. Next semester? 26 credit hours, same work schedule. GET ME OUT OF CHAMPAIGN. But let me learn.

Thoughts on relationships:
This week, I think I have learned, more so than anything, that being in a relationship is hard fucking work. It’s exhausting. Suddenly you have to be aware of someone else’s life- their timeline, their schedule, their feelings. And sometimes, it’s easier than others. But when shit gets busy, like the holidays usually are (on top of trying to pack and get ready for Europe, which is a different story  in and of itself), it is so fucking hard to have to keep someone else in mind. Case in point: a few days ago, I made plans to go with Stephen to his friend’s house today to watch football. At that point in time, I was thrilled with the idea and I was all on board. Last night, Stephen wanted to go to his friend’s house, so I went along with him. We didn’t get home until 2:30am. OUTRAGEOUS. I think that’s why I’m in such a god-awful mood today. I did not want to stay out that late. I HATE STAYING OUT THAT LATE AND I HATE BEING SLEEP DEPRIVED MORE. So, I slept until noon. I HATE SLEEPING THAT LATE. I have so much to do before my birthday, before Xmas eve, before Xmas, before EUROPE. I no longer wanted to go with Stephen today. I told him I was unbelievably stressed out. It’s the kind of stress that is so overwhelming, there’s so much to be done, that you end up just sitting around complaining about it instead of doing any of the things that need to get done- which is what I’m doing right now. But if you’re a writer, if you love to write like I do, sometimes you know you just need to write it out. Confession: I have multiple blog accounts that I keep on private that I use as an outlet to vent. Today is a day that I feel like publicizing my insane thoughts and shitty mood- I already warned you, so if you’ve made it his far- refer to the apology and warning at the top.
Relationships are about take and give. Stephen gives me a lot. I do not take him for granted. He literally will do anything that I ask of him. So I get a lot of give, if that makes sense. Stephen GIVES me a lot. So I guess that means I get a lot of take? I don’t know. Whichever. I know that I could do a better job of GIVING to him. But sometimes, like right now and these past few days, I feel like it’s been taking a lot out of me to do just that. I think when you’re in a “serious” relationship (as serious as it can be when you’re not living with someone, not engaged, or married, etc) it’s easy to stop acknowledging yourself as an individual, but rather as a unit that functions as a part of another person. I think that’s my problem. I have things that I need to do- granted, they are STUPID like scrapbooking, and running, and xmas shoppping, and packing for Europe- and in the grand scheme of EVERYTHING, they mean nothing. Really? Scrapbooking and packing for Europe and spending money doesn’t actually MEAN anything, but it’s stuff that I WANT to do. And dammit, I have the right to do it. Sometimes I put things on the back burner to spend time with Stephen, but it’s because I like to spend time with him. But when it’s over the course of a few days and shit gets continually pushed back farther and farther, and with the impending deadline of LEAVING THE FUCKING COUNTRY FOR TWO WEEKS, I need to get this stuff done, BECAUSE I WANT TO.   Now there’s a tantrum for you. If I could roll around on the ground kicking and screaming like a 3 year old, I would.
On a lighter note, we went to Holiday Magic at the Brookfield Zoo last night.

This weekend was the last weekend of the Tumbling session. 14 weeks ago, I decided to culminate the sessions with a Tumble Show. It was extremely stressful and overwhelming, but ended up being wonderful and fulfilling. I made 12 kids’ weekends. Three of my bosses were able to come to Saturday’s show- two of the three of them have children in my class. The Director of the Park District’s granddaughter is in my class, and she was so thrilled with everything that she gave me $60 out of her pocket. My other boss, whose son is in my class, gave me a Christmas present, a hug, and told me that she’s pulling for me to get a full time job there once I graduate. My other boss, who doesn’t have a child in my class, sent me an email after the show complimenting me on my hard work and telling me that the show was a great success and he loved it. TAKE THAT UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS AND WRITE IT ON MY GODDAMN DIPLOMA! AND GIVE ME A FUCKING RIBBON TO WEAR WHEN I WALK ON GRADUATION! I AM A DAMN GOOD EMPLOYEE AND IT’S NO THANKS TO YOU AND YOUR UNREASONABLE TUITION RATES!! HA! YA BASTARD!

And that is all the bitching I have time for today.

 

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